12 years and half a world away. (August 4, 2007)

Saturday, August 4, 2007

My journal entry:

“I had so many thoughts running through my head last night I couldn’t process them. Even this morning I find it difficult to put to paper all the emotions that were coursing through me.

I had originally thought that the infant center would be the place that I would most connect with, but I found it difficult to let my guard down and be present with the babies. At times I felt very in tune with what was going on and at other times, thousands of miles and 12 years away. I kept being drawn 12 years into my past; a very pregnant 19-year old just days away from having her first baby. For years the decision to give my first child up for adoption has haunted me. I have cried, screamed, felt anger, bitterness, resentment, hatred toward myself and others but never a sense of peace. I have told myself over and over I did what I thought was right; but I didn’t. I made a decision out of fear. I didn’t listen to the voice of God who came in many forms to me during my pregnancy. I filled my life with chatter; high school graduation, off to college, another show at the theatre, getting married.

The spiritual reflection for tonight is about grieving (I am leading the discussion, Yes, God I am listening). How does one grieve a loss or disappointment? My idea is to bottle everything up and then when something triggers me I have a meltdown, sometimes it looks more like a 2-year old having a temper tantrum. But that isn’t grieving. I have tried talking about how I feel; writing endlessly about it, pretending time will heal all wounds. But here I sit half way around the world, surrounded by strangers overshadowed by a past that I can’t seem to shake. I have had a few things come to mind about how to grieve the loss of my daughter and the disappointment with myself not only in the initial decision but how I have handled my life since that time. The word that kept coming to me was, gentle. I am not typically gentle with myself. Get over it and move on is more what I would tell myself, but that is not what God wants for me. My capacity to love others is directly related to my ability to love myself and for many years I have not loved myself. Through this inability to love myself, I have lost a lot of time to truly love those around me and allow them to love me. I can think of only one person in this world that I have let down most egregiously and I am truly sorry for that. The beauty of God’s grace is that he has loved me wholly and completely through all times and in Him my life starts new everyday with opportunities to listen for His words of gentleness to heal my heart.”

May 26, 2013
I felt like I wanted to give a little update on this post. It’s been five years and a lot has happened in that time.  My eldest daughter will be 18 in just a couple of months. I’m so blessed to have her in my life. I’ve been able to be a part of her life and watch her grow into an extraordinary young woman. Looking back I know she has brought joy to so many people. She and Bellina are sisters and the best of friends. I’m grateful my girls will have each other the rest of their lives. 🙂 Romans 8:28 is so true!

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